In 2020, I want to find things again…

Things like my memory

My mother

And you.

 

Every time I am in the shower, I end up counting the amount of hair I lose. I lose hair every time. A significant amount of hair was lost in the shower this year. I lost no weight either. I noticed that my grandmother lost her two front teeth and my grandfather finally lost those horrible leather shoes- the mosque ones. Okay, maybe he didn’t lose them. Maybe someone (with a hair loss problem) decided that it was time those shoes were lost. I was at a loss for words when my best friend walked away from our friendship of more than a decade. That was a hard loss. A loss that will linger. Not the only friend I have lost though. We were at the dinner table when my uncle mentioned that he was at an age where all of his friends were dying. This year I got lost my ability to cry at the thought of lives lost to war or rape or murder, there were too many to mourn. I have counted the amount of times I have lost my memories- literally. My father promised that we had visited the Drakensburg. Not a single recollection of that trip, I said. Get your memory checked. It’s okay- maybe when I am older. The thought escaped- I lost it somewhere. I lost myself in love in a foreign country counting the days to feel it again. I lost myself in the sounds of Abdullah Ibrahim when he recited the athaan. I lost my sense of smell in the dingy alleyways of make pretend. I constantly lose my car keys and my hairpins. The one sock doesn’t count as loss anymore- just betrayal really. I lost my breath in the laughter over shisha with my sister on odd nights when the misty-sky hung low and the stars teased us. I always try not to lose myself in thought in prayer but who am I kidding- I’m a dreamer. I think, just a bit, or maybe a lot, that I have lost my mind too. It runs in the family to lose things. I lost to a game called Catan- only once though, I am yet to lose my undefeated title. I lost my eye-pencil. I lost my head-phones. I lost all of my leave days- even my sick-days. I lost my nose-ring, the one I really loved. I lost myself to depression and anxiety for three months. I lost my cat for three days. He came back and found me. I lost all the money I spent on my gym-membership- that saw me exactly five times this year. I lost track of time spent consuming endless amounts of Netflix and not enough books. My grandfather lost his mind to Alzheimer’s and then I lost all hope and a lot of joy when he died in September. I lost time getting to know him this year. I lost the time to visit, I lost the address of the home stayed in. I was at a loss….

I remember when you visited me in a dream and you told me you were forgetting Surah Yaseen and you wanted me to come and read it for you at the home. You also told me that you were going to go. Don’t forget to come and say salaam- you said.

I remember visiting and there you were, shrivelled to the bone, bald and a stellar grey beard and with a smile, “Shameelah, you remembered to come.” Surprised to my core, that even in a state of memory loss, you remembered my name.

 

In 2020, I want to find things again….

Things like my memory

My mother

And you